Licence to Instruct started because I know someone who used to be a driving instructor, and she kept telling me stories that were far too funny to waste.
Remembering the best ones was never the problem. Honestly, how could she possibly forget some of these people? The real job was getting her to keep going.
One ridiculous pupil reminded her of another, then another, and before long we had enough material to prove something fairly conclusively:
Driving instructors see some absolute nonsense.
The Wonky Eye
One of my favourite characters became Nigel. He is actually a very good pupil: careful, sensible, willing to listen and perfectly capable of doing exactly what he is told.
There is just one slight complication. His instructor has absolutely no idea where he is looking.
One eye appears to be checking the mirror while the other seems to be monitoring Wales, offshore shipping and possibly low-flying aircraft. This becomes mildly inconvenient when your entire job depends on knowing whether the person controlling the car has actually seen the bus.
So she develops a solution: Nigel must announce every mirror check.
“Centre mirror. Right mirror. Left mirror.”
Nigel immediately works out why she is doing it and decides to enjoy himself.
“Speedometer. Gearstick. Your handbag.”
Eventually, she gives up and tells him: “Just drive.”
Emergency Chocolate Is Apparently a Thing
The instructor also keeps a box labelled EMOTIONAL SUPPORT MALTESERS in the glove compartment. These are not ordinary Maltesers. Ordinary Maltesers are recreational.
These are medicinal.
There is even a system. One means mild concern, five means the dual controls have been used, and anything beyond that requires the engine to be switched off and a short period of silent reflection.
Personally, I think they should be standard equipment in every learner car: spare tyre, warning triangle, first-aid kit and emergency chocolate.
Sorted.
Left, Right and Other Unreliable Concepts
Then there is Mandy. She knows perfectly well what left and right mean, but once the car starts moving, both directions become rumours.
Eventually, the instructor gives up using actual directions and invents an imaginary magnet that pulls the steering wheel towards whichever side Mandy needs to turn.
It sounds ridiculous because it is ridiculous. Naturally, it works.
Apparently, imaginary physics succeeds where the words left and right have completely failed.
The Day the Door Tried to Leave
Then there is Josh. Before he opens the passenger door in strong wind, he is given one very simple instruction: Keep hold of the door.
He says he will, opens it—and lets go.
The wind grabs the door and folds it forwards with such enthusiasm that it ends up pointing in a direction no car door was ever designed to experience.
Josh stares at the door. The instructor stares at Josh.
He explains that he only let go “for a second,” which leads to the fairly reasonable observation: “That is traditionally how letting go works.”
The garage is called, and the mechanic asks how far backwards the door has gone.
The answer? “It can see the front wheel.”
At that point, I think the Emotional Support Maltesers have stopped being optional.
Somehow, This Is an Actual Job
The more stories we gathered, the clearer it became that driving instructors get a front-row seat to a very particular kind of human behaviour: panic, overconfidence, parents who believe thirty years of driving automatically makes them qualified instructors, and learners who temporarily lose the entire concept of left.
Then there are the perfectly grown adults being held together emotionally by chocolate.
Underneath all the madness, though, people are learning something that once terrified most of us. That is what became Licence to Instruct.
It is not really a book about driving. It is a book about one woman repeatedly trying to stop other people from driving into things while maintaining the outward appearance of a calm professional.
And somehow managing not to eat all the Maltesers before lunchtime.
Think someone could use this?
If this made you think of someone, share it with them. Sometimes the right words find people at exactly the right time.
Read the book
Licence to Instruct
Inspired by real incidents, this warm and gloriously chaotic British comedy follows learner drivers and the instructors trying to remain professional.
